Payback Is a...

To My Children: They say what goes around comes around. I plan on living until I'm 114. Here's a sampling of what you can expect while you are taking care of me:

• It will be easier to hog-tie a rhinoceros than it will be to change my diaper. Once you get the diaper on, I will immediately take it off & do my business on the carpet.


• I will take 17 minutes to decide what to eat. I will have one bite of it & decide I don't like it. I will do this a minimum of 5 times. Per meal.


• If you need to go to the grocery store, I will insist on pushing the cart that I can barely see over. I will run over people and knock down displays. When we get to the checkout, you will discover that I have loaded the cart with random things that we don't need, such as cat food and wart remover.


• Should you not allow me to do the above, I will lay down in the middle of the aisle and scream like you wouldn't believe.


• Oh, and don't bother getting the pricey shampoo. I will dump it down the drain the first chance I get. Don't try hiding it either. I will have my ways of finding it.


• I will use your cell phone to call whomever I please, whenever I please. I promise to only call out-of-state relatives in the middle of the night, leading them to believe that there is some sort of emergency.


• Speaking of phone calls, I will be a perfect angel until you are on the phone. At that time, I will pester you non-stop. I will suddenly forget how to put on socks and I will urgently need to know random things such as the capitol of Missouri.


• If you have anything of importance such as church lessons, passports, birth certificates or homework I will color on it and maybe even cut it into little pieces. I will leave the junk mail in pristine condition.


• I won't tell you about the gallon of water I spilled until you sit in it.


• I insist on choosing my own clothing. You will allow me to wear shorts and a T-shirt when it's 26 degrees outside. When we are going to any sort of public place, I will wear pants that are 8 inches too short and a shirt that has no less than 3 stains on it. Also, sometimes I will run around the neighborhood with nothing but my cowboy boots on. Giddy up!


• When we drive past Hart's, I will beg for a treat. Every. Single. Time.


• When you announce that it is time for bed I will act shocked and appalled, as if this is some hideous new rule you just came up with.


• Please don't expect me to sleep in my own bed for the entire night. Are you kidding me? I prefer to sleep right next to you and kick you in the head all night.

Are you getting discouraged? Hang in there.

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  I will show you the cutest toothless grin this side of the Mississippi.


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  I will color you pictures and write you love notes all the time.


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  When you pretend you are sleeping, I will kiss you ever so gently on the forehead.


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  When I fall asleep in the car, it will take all your willpower not to smother my chubby cheeks in smooches.


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  Sometimes I will be so kind and thoughtful that you swear your heart will explode.

Just thought you should know what you have to look forward to.

Love,

Mom